Why Am I Always Overthinking?

I used to be a chronic overthinker. I could take the smallest thing - a conversation, a decision, a text message and turn it over in my mind from every possible angle. I would replay conversations, wonder whether I'd said the wrong thing, second-guess decisions and imagine all the things that could potentially go wrong.

Despite knowing that thinking about something for the fiftieth time wasn't going to give me an answer I hadn't already found but somehow I couldn’t quite settle with ambiguity.

If you can relate, you may have frustratedly asked yourself: Why am I always overthinking?

Perhaps you've been told that you worry too much, that you need to "let things go" or that you're “making a big deal of it”, but overthinking isn't simply a case of having an overactive mind.

One of the things I've come to understand, both personally and through my work with clients, is that overthinking is often less about the content of our thoughts and more about what we're trying to achieve through them.

When something feels uncertain, the mind naturally wants to find an answer. If I can understand what happened, work out what someone meant, anticipate what might happen next or identify every possible outcome, perhaps I'll feel more prepared, safer, even.

This can be particularly strong if you've experienced situations in the past where being caught off guard, getting something wrong or upsetting someone had difficult consequences. You may have learned to stay alert, think ahead and anticipate what other people might need or how they might respond.

Over time, this can become an automatic way of navigating the world.

You might find yourself analysing someone's tone of voice, wondering whether they are annoyed with you. You might replay a conversation afterwards and question whether you said too much. You might spend ages making a decision because you're trying to find the option that guarantees you won't regret it.

You may have become highly attuned to other people's moods -you notice when someone's tone changes, sensing when something isn't quite right. You try your best to manage the emotions in a room, being an expert an diffusing tension.

And unfortunately, there is no amount of thinking that can give us complete certainty about another person's feelings, what will happen tomorrow or whether a decision will turn out perfectly.

These qualities can be strengths. Being thoughtful, perceptive and emotionally aware can be incredibly valuable, but there is a difference between being aware of what is happening around you and feeling responsible for preventing everything that might go wrong.

I've noticed in my own experience that overthinking is often closely connected to self-trust.

When you trust yourself, you don't necessarily need to know that you've made the perfect decision. You can make a choice knowing that you will deal with whatever happens next.

But when you don't quite trust your own judgement, every decision can feel like something that needs to be thoroughly investigated.

What if I get it wrong?

What if I've missed something?

What if they think I've made the wrong choice?

What if I regret it?

The more uncertain you feel about yourself, the more reassurance your mind may seek, creating a frustrating cycle: you overthink because you don't trust yourself, but the constant second-guessing makes it even harder to trust yourself.

Sometimes, the question is "How do I stop overthinking?" Instead, I find it much more useful to get curious about what the overthinking is trying to do. When you notice yourself going around and around a situation, ask yourself: “What am I hoping to achieve by thinking about this?”

Some questions you might find helpful to ask yourself - 

Am I trying to find certainty?

Am I  trying to work out what somebody else is thinking?

Am I  trying to make sure I don't make a mistake?

Am I trying to prevent someone from being disappointed or angry?

Once you understand what your mind is trying to achieve, you can begin to give yourself what you actually need rather than simply trying to stop the thoughts.

There will always be decisions where you don't know exactly what the outcome will be. There will be conversations where you can't control how the other person responds.

There will be times when somebody misunderstands you, doesn't approve of your decision or is disappointed with you and trying to eliminate all of those possibilities is exhausting.

Instead, self-trust comes from developing the belief that you can handle what happens next.

It can also be helpful to notice your patterns. When do you tend to overthink most? Is it when you're tired, when someone seems distant, when you've made a mistake, when you're facing change or when you have to make a decision?

Understanding your triggers can help you recognise what's happening before you become completely caught up in it.

And when you do notice yourself spiralling, try replacing “How can I figure this out?” with “What would I do here if I trusted myself?”

A few things to hold in mind….

You can allow someone else to have their feelings without taking responsibility for them.

And you can begin to trust that even when life doesn't go according to plan, you will be able to meet whatever comes next.

That, for me, has been a much more meaningful kind of freedom than simply learning how to stop overthinking.

➡️If you're finding yourself stuck in your head, feeling on edge or questioning what you want from this stage of life, my free Thriving Through Change quiz can help you pause and look at the bigger picture.

It explores four areas that can have a big impact on how we experience change - helping you notice what is supporting you, what may have been pushed aside and where you might need a little more care, confidence or attention.

Take the free Thriving Through Change quiz and discover what might help you feel more like yourself again.